Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Guantanamo Bae
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Not today
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.