This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
You Might Also Like
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.