FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
emergency phone
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.