everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
🤔😂😂