Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.