It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
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“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
*mops up wine with cat*
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?