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*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?