My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.