me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
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On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.