[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Body by sandwich.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
fair
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager