Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud