police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
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Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool