Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Camping tip: No.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.