I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Today’s Times
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Beware…..
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.