[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
2022: I can fix it
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.