I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Always 🥴
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.