Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
You Might Also Like
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.