Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
We are the people our parents warned us about.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I feel seen
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid