“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
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A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
shit just got real
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“What movie?” 🤔
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé