Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
You Might Also Like
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?