What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
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LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Botany good plants lately?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.