Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.