Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
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I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE