Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
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My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
wtf management?!
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.