“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
You Might Also Like
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright