Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
When ur friends with white people
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people