[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK