I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Sign at work today
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?