bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
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GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
You deplete me
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about