If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.