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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch