does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.