Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.