This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Your honor these allegations are
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”