If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Pigeon open mic night.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit