I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Rather alarming headline…
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”