Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.