“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
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As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong