that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
You Might Also Like
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.