Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
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Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.