I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit