*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
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*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*