Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
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Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…