Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
mood
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”