Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
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One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.