Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
🍛
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Finally!
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
He’s dead
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it