[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
yea so i messed up lol
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Saturday
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.