I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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Meow
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.