Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
felt cute might bury dad later idk
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.