And then there were 4
You Might Also Like
Lmaoo 😂
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
never forget
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.